NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
