smell my finger.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize