the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You are the jesus of drinking
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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