Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
