Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
