My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
