mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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