I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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