Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
