I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's blow job season.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
