If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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