I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
