The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
