walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
