Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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