Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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