Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
