Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
