Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
