How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
