Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
