how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
