I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
