I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
