i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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