All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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