My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
