Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
