god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
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