Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
