if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
