Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
