R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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