at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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