Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize