one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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