I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
