My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
