you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
