my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
