No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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