life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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