Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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