Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
