a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
