the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
