Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize