don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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