My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
