My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
