I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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