Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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