Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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