Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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