and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
