I will die if light touches me.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
