how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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