my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
