wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
