Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
